Wow. I can't believe what my son did today.

Having children on the autism spectrum, makes you see thing in a different way to others. 

My youngest son 'severe autism, non verbal' has taught  me to see improvements on a microscopic level, and still be as enthused as any other parent who sees there child who pass exams. 

Why, the other day I was doing the ironing. And Aiden was watching me and getting excited at what I was doing. I thought he was excited to see his uniform and he thought he was going to school, this was a cute interaction. 

But he next day he went into the kitchen, picked up the iron (with a sense of joy and pride in himself) then he went over to the pile of clothes on the chair in the dining room, and proceeded to straighten them out and push the iron backwards and forewards over the clothes. Then standing back to admire his work. Then in a moment of true love, he kisses the iron as it is his tool of perfection. (Thank god it was a cordless iron and wasn't on)

And another recent development I noticed (or should I say, noticed, and then told everybody I know)

I came home from work at 5 ish. Mommy said to me 'they have had there tea. But Aiden is not eating!' So I say 'come on Aiden, let's eat dinner' he looks at me, smiles,walks up to the table, picks up his plate, looks at me, walks to the kitchen, looks at me, the he tips his plate of dinner into the bin. 

Am I angry? Upset? Dissapointed?

No. 

I am SOOOO  proud of my son for doing the right thing with leftover food (yes I know, it wasn't exactly left over) 

And then he led my hand to the bread to make him some toast instead!

Never underestimate the power of non verbal communication. 

Be creative

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When dealing with autism, you find that you have to get more creative than you ever thought possible!
There is no limits to the times you need to try some other way or something new or something completely out there just to get an end result.

Dinner time
Getting dressed
Bath time
Potty training
Public outings
School
Traveling
Medication
Hair cut
Social situations
Bed time
Change of routine
Doctors appointments
Sharing
Stimming
etc..................

As long as you are aware that 'plan A' will most likely fail!! and you have at least 3 other options to try (sometimes more), then all will be fine in the end.................................... and by that I mean when you have calmed down from the stress of it all and can sit back and say

 'well, we got through that one!'
or
 'At least we know what to do next time'
or
 'It's OK we never liked that place, who wants to go back anyway?'
or
 'That was different'
or
 'Yes high fives all round, that was awesome'
or
 'open the wine! this day needs a drink'
or
 'Hahahahahahahahaaaaa did you see the look on there faces'
or
 'If anybody needs me, I'll be in bath, I think this has stained me down to the bone!'

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The best BIG SISTER in the world!!!!!!

Keira. 8 years old.
She has to be the best big sister in the world EVER!
She has taken to her little brothers and how their autism has affected their development in life.
She has made me so proud of how she deals with the tantrums/outbursts/meltdowns! as if they were nothing. but also understanding the need and approach to deal with these situations!
She would make the best teacher, carer, support worker, mentor that anybody could ask for.
She has the knowledge and understanding to put into perspective what others need to go to school for 4 years to understand, she is so compassionate and delicate when explaining to people 'why her brothers do what they do' and she doesn't see it as anything other than what anybody else would do. It is just in her nature to see differences and not judge but just accept and move on and work with what you've got.

She occasionally needs some 'Keira time' and she understands this. She will come to me an say 'Daddy I think me and you need to go to the shops and get out for a bit, maybe sit on the bench and have a treat from the bakery'  (this is something I did for her when I noticed she wasn't herself) and she will sit there and let out steam of how frustrated she gets, and how she wishes she could fix it with a magic wand! We will talk things through and she will start to feel good about herself again.

She knows that her life is not the same as other children at school and she understands that we cannot do some things as a family that her friends do, but NEVER resents this. What she does is, take the things that we can do and see the positives in it. our day trips, our impromptu fancy dress party's, even the small things like  having a group hug on the sofa, or when her brothers are better behaved on a bus than the other naughty children.

She has even considered teaching special needs children when she grows up, because she know that she has the best understanding of special children that others 'just don't get'

I don't think that I could have wished for a more amazing, special, unique, caring, educated, loving, thoughtful, daughter!! I find it hard to remember she is still only 8 years old, she has the temperament of a grown up.

So when she asks for a 'special day' like an Alice in wonderland tea party, or a Medieval themed Saturday. me and Mommy will do our best to give her what she wants x (and so far we have done OK)

Real men cry

I am a man. I drink beer. I love sports. I have a beard and everything. 

But is not beneath me to shed a tear once in a while. And it should not be looked upon as a sign of weakness! We all do it, and it's healthy. I've cried at weddings, funerals, kneeling on Lego, and when Dumbos mom was taken away from him at the circus (Disney you b#%<>*<s) 

But becoming a dad has been the tear releasing juggernaut that I wasn't expecting, and having two of my children diagnosed on the ASD spectrum has added to the already emotional roller coaster that is parenthood. I see my boys developing at there own speed and have been taught how to look at things differently. 

I could write a list of the times I have been bought to tears but that would be too long (seriously it would go on for years) and I can't justify putting them into a top 10 (that would be unfair to the times that didn't make it) 

So you've got to believe me when I say "I cry for good and bad and funny reasons"

My children have made my heart swell with pride, work on a level I never thought possible, shrink with pain, stop with panic, and feel like the most lucky person on the planet. 

I look forward to tomorrow, I dream of the future and I treasure the past. 

The things we don't want to tell people

Any parent of an autistic child will have the thought 'I can't tell people that' whether it's because it's embarrassing, taboo, disgusting, or just too damn private!
But things happen! and keeping it a secret can become a reason for depression or isolation, and I feel that some people may think it is only them that have to deal with certain things and that others will look down on them as parent's/people if other people found out what their child actually does! but in my life and social circles I have found that these 'things' happen to others, and it is such a relief to be able to talk to some who understands and doesn't judge. maybe if we were more open it would become easier to talk and thus creating a greater feeling of acceptance and involvement with the outside world.

I myself have no problems telling people what my boys have been up to. I tend to use humor to help the poor innocent non-knowing people, my tales of woe and disasters. As these innocents might not be strong enough to deal with the truth! and it in turn with humor it allows them to have some form of interaction with my stories. And it diffuses any potential pre-conceived ignorant ideas of what it is actually like to raise autistic children.
So here is a list of 'Taboo' subjects parents may feel uncomfortable to talk about.

1 - POOH. my son has a hatred of pooh, and whenever he does a pooh and we don't notice, he will try to remove it with his hands, and then he will try to get it off his hands, and then me and mommy have a lot of cleaning to do. clothes, carpets, walls.

2 - POTTY TRAINING. (see No 1 for consequences) my son is not yet potty trained at 5yrs old and shows no sign of improving any time soon, he wears a nappy almost 24/7. Get over it!! I'm not asking you to change him!

3 - DINNER TIME. hahaha this one is always a treat, we have to make up 3 different dinners for our children every day (and have a back up plan if plan A doesn't work) they eat at random speeds, anything from shoving everything in their mouth in one go (yes, better the wipes to clean up after this one) to placing every item off their plate into intricate patterns on the table, then walking away for a suspicious amount of time, only to come back later to eat everything. Not forgetting the 'DUCK flying potato' alarm!

4 - SPITTiNG. we have had to deal with this one on a random basis (thank god) as it is pretty disgusting, It seems that holding and swilling juice or phlegm in you'r mouth is a great thing! but what do they do when they have had enough fun? Yep! that's right, it just comes out, wherever they are whatever they are on. it gets even worse when they try to suck it back up! Oooh fun. speed and a keen eye is key to tackle this one.

5 - SPEECH. Both of my boys have had problems talking (connor can now talk, he started about 4/5) But Aiden is definitely non-verbal. strangers and new people we meet will say to him (innocently) 'hello, you look happy, whats your name?' and its up to me or mommy to tell them he cant talk! They mostly reply with 'oh I'm sorry' Sorry? what for? you didn't do it to him! It's just him, like he has blonde hair or blue eyes, nothing for them to be sorry about, we can communicate n a way that we can mostly understand. It's o.k.

6 - TANTRUMS. They happen. and we know how to deal with them(ish) They can happen anywhere, and They can be BIG, but we learn from the triggers and try to not let that situation happen again, especially in public places where it can get dangerous. Who gives a f&*k what other people say to each other and stare in awe as to how awesome I am as a parent when I get the situation under control, and do not turn to the ways of 'bad parent's' by hitting and swearing at my child like I hate them and only have them for the money! (yes  just had a dig at those unworthy parent's)

7 - SCHOOL BUS. Aiden gets picked up and dropped off outside our house every week day of the school term time. This is a blessing not a stigma!

8 - RUBBING. erm? well? oh? ah?.........this is probably my most feared public display of sensory exploration! as it can't be seen in any other way than my son is 'spanking the monkey' but he does this outside of his clothing, and not the way that teenage boys do! He is only creating a physical sensation to himself when he gets bored, irritated by an uncomfortable nappy, or lack of other stimulation's. It makes everybody feel uncomfortable who witness it, and he gets very angry when we stop him (he doesn't understand why it is wrong) as he is only trying to feel something that he can identify with, The things we do to distract him from this are, dancing, singing his favorite songs (that involve holding his hands for actions) and just offering another type of physical stimuli.

9 - MY HOUSE. My house has been adapted to make my children safe and secure. Yes all of my doors upstairs have locks on them! after you have stopped the bathroom from flooding the entire house and caught you'r child from hanging out of the window by his ankles, and removed toys and teddies from the toilet, then you can say that is an extreme and oppressive way of home management!
Also, my carpets are stained, the wallpaper is missing pieces, and I don't have shiny ornaments on display!! But it is clean (unless you come at that perfectly timed moment that everybody seems to)

10 - MANNERS. As much as you try to teach you'r child manners, when it comes to situations like visitors coming into you'r house, they will go straight for the 'What have you got for me? and give it me now!'
And Connor has the 'The truth is the truth' way of life, like the time he went up to a complete stranger and told him "you'r belly is fat" and "that woman has a beard! is she a man?" these situations make you want to curl into a ball and disappear, but let's face it. It's only the boundaries of society that stop us from saying exactly what we really want to, and given half the chance we would!

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Thank you x

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Throughout the life of a parent raising an autistic child, The support network around them can be the most helpful and inspirational people in the world. Be they family, friends or professional, And they sometimes don't even know how important they have been, so now is the time that I give those people their own recognition for the support and help they have given me and my family.

1 - Grandma x for being the only person who can take ALL 3 children away from us for overnight sleepovers, and her unconditional, never judgmental grandma love for her grandchildren.

1 - Nanny and Grandad x  For taking the children on days out and making their time fun. and for the efforts in trying to understand a new way of looking at life with autism.

1 - Joel x For taking my boys way of life and turning into an excuse to spin them up in the air and play the fool every time he visits.

1 - Katie and Anthony x For being the Auntie and Uncle that never treat my children in any other way than loved, and never judging the differences.

1 - Thomas and Fiona and girls x For welcoming and accepting and getting on the trampoline to act the fools like nobody cares.

1 - Tina and Michael and Jamie x For listening to me and then acting upon my words to do what they can to help and support. for coming up with ideas to help my boys.

1 - West Heath Nursery and ALL the staff x for being the unrelenting machine of power, who helped us put through Aidens diagnosis when the doctors showed no interest in our opinion, and for going out of there way every day in their attempts to teach themselves about autism and how they worked with the other children and families. And how they put themselves out to help out Aden when he didn't have a school to move to, when they opened their doors for him to stay on longer than they had to, And for the love and care they showed me and my wife constantly. And for meeting with Sue the head mistress dressed as a giant cat (it was for themed day, and made a few giggles) And........ you name it, they did it Awesome praise for this nursery.

1 - Tesco cashier ladies x who never once questioned when we said "and this mostly eaten pink frosted doughnut" at the checkout.

1 - Parents at the school x for those who ask questions, and those who have helped out on school outings.

1 - Charley x a boy in my daughters class who helped the other children just accept the differences as if its nothing.

1 - Keira x my daughter, for being the best big sister any parent could hope for, her love and understanding of her brothers makes me so proud I cry.

1 - Miss Foster x For taking the time to understand and be pro active when it comes to helping Connor through his emotional struggles at school.

1 - Miss Yeoman, Coach Richard x for being the extra support Connor has needed and the individual approach they have took to work with him on a personal level.

1 - Miss Callow x for Being Connors favorite teacher and pushing him into the academic side of schooling.

1 - Friends - Emma, Rhiannon, Mark, Nick, Sam, Dib, Ian, Alan, Jo, Shane, Bex, For helping us find the humor when we tell of how disastrous our days have been.

1 - Hayley x for being a co' autism mother and sharing stories of joy and woe, and letting us know that whenever we need to vent, she is more than ready to listen and share.

1 - School bus ladies x for being there every morning to welcome Aiden on, and for every afternoon when they see him off safely.

1 - Facebook friends x for enjoying my stories and contributing there own tales of life with autism.

Thank you all x

Keeping the peace.

Autism has brought about a level of stress and frustration to my household that I never thought possible when me and my wife first had the discussion of 'making babies' but we went ahead and did what lovers do, 3 children later.
We had no idea that our second and third children would be on the spectrum (we didn't even really know what 'the spectrum' was at that time....we do now)
So time is moving on and we notice that the things we thought we'd be doing as a couple/family has not exactly met our expectations. But throughout the development and discovery of our two boys ASD diagnosis and the understanding of how they are, We have adapted our relationship with each other to both care for the children and each other.
We have made some changes in ideas, and compromised what is decent alone time.
Throughout all the struggles and stresses we have remained a very loving partnership (arguments over who's turn it is to get up at 02;35 to try and settle down our son don't count)

This is a list of some things that I think have helped me and my wife maintain a loving (romantic..ish) life.

1. Expectation - Whatever you think you wanted from a romantic night together with your partner, forget it, and just enjoy the fact that you're not on clean up duty (even if you are just watching crap tv together on the sofa)

2. Alone time - unless your children are at school or 'definitely' sleeping in bed, then don't even bother. But if they are then this is the perfect time for you as a couple to do what you've been dreaming all week for.....NOTHING and that's fine.

3. Onesies -  Not a personal favourite of mine, but at the end of a day fighting and battling with getting dressed, and dinner, and ignoring stupid comments from strangers, This is what she needs to feel 'Aaahh relaxed and happy'

4. Compliments - no matter how small or insignificant you think things might be, Always say to them how well they did and how proud you are of them for doing it. i;e I love the way you managed to clean that one corner today, or, Thank you for letting me sleep in today. (the big compliments will be better received when you notice the little things)

5. Effort - even if all it is a touch of eye liner and wearing matching socks! these are the things that let you know they are not dressing for the kids.and should not go unnoticed!

6. Conversation - anything that can not involve autism is a winner (we recently had an amazing sharing of minds over the best recipe for cottage pie) It may seem silly, but it let's you know that that you're still human.

7. Taking turns - Set down a basic rule that taking turns is natural thus avoiding the 'It's your turn' battle. Fair is fair.

8. Baby sitters - A mystery to most parents of autistic children, But if you find that ONE person who you can call upon (Grandma, sister, friend, whoever) then this should be treated as a special occasion indeed. this where you can go out, or maybe just know that you both can sleep in.

9. Humour - Finding the funny side of your day is probably the most important thing to stop you both from gong insane.

10. SEX - yes, you read it right, It doesn't matter if it's a middle of the night silent entanglement or an all out screaming shouting (the kids are asleep aren't they) letting go of tensions. this probably the thing that lets couples know that they are more than just parents, and that they are in fact lovers in a relationship with each other. and that they still enjoy each over for them! and not just for what they are as parents.

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(this list may be adapted for all parents, but for my experiences it is the way I maintain my loving relationship with my wife and balancing that with raising autistic children)